On rebellion

Somewhere around eight-years-old, I started to do something that to my young mind was illicit and devious.

I would sneak downstairs at night and watch TV.

Around one in the morning when my house was quiet, I would wake. In the room next to mine my sister slept, wrapped in a cocoon of sheets, mouth agape, and hair mussed. My parent's door was shut tight as they only left it when they went to bed. I knew it was the perfect time.

I tiptoed past their doors and softly padded down the stairs. I bee-lined to the television in the living room, grabbing the remote as I passed the coffee table. Forgoing the couch, I opted for the floor. This was partially because I always enjoyed laying on my stomach before the flickering screen while holding my head in my upturned hands, but mostly it was so I could listen at the lowest audible volume without waking the house.

The hum of the television was a comfort as the box warmed itself upon hitting the power button. The grey of the screen quickly shifted to the last watched channel, and I rushed to turn down the sound as quickly as possible.

In my favorite position and the volume safely set, I was now free to surf. At this hour I didn't fear my mother's sharp, reprimanding tongue, or my father's disappointment; I allowed myself free reign to go to every banned channel and take in what my eight-year-old eyes were not meant to see.

In the years before child-safety codes and V-chips I would use the precious hours I could have spent resting taking in the flicker of that-which-my-parents-did-not-approve. I would watch video after video on MTV and VH1. This is where I first saw the video for Tool's "Sober" and Michael Jackson's "Thriller". It was late at night that I first fell in love with Madonna's "Like a Prayer", and was confused by videos made by Peter Gabriel. I still remember being moved to tears by A-Ha's "Take On Me" video, although at this point I can't really remember why.

Music aside, though, these late night viewing sessions lead to me seeing some of the movies that to this day are incredibly memorable to me. The first time I saw Johnny demand that no one put Baby into a corner was after midnight. Ferris Bueller's truancy was initially observed at one. Carrie's brutal assault terrified me at three.

And then there were the shows that I loved to watch during off hours. Reruns of "Saturday Night Live" made my laugh, even though I rarely knew why. "Aoen Flux" was a vast mind fuck for adults much less a young girl. The critiques of music videos on "Beavis and Butthead" taught me about satire and juvenile humor.

These hours spent basking in the glow of the television screen amid the darkness of the family room was not only my very innocent and ultimately inconsequential form of rebellion; it was my successful first attempt to develop my sense of self.

This vital declaration that all youths must make at some point wasn't done through illicit materials, questionable friends, or unseemly activities. For me this was accomplished through my favorite form of entertainment. For a child who always adored the television as educator, companion, and entertainer in equal parts, it seems more than natural that my choice for scandal was a tube filled box.

My parents were far from conservative in terms of raising my sister and I. We were free to do more or less what we wished whenever we wanted. We were, however, required to observe rules Our parents and their authoritative word was to be followed, regardless of whether or not we saw the point. More often then not this was the way I operated when living my young life.

But not during my late-night rendezvouses with the TV. Knowing that if I was caught I would be punished for being out of bed and, more importantly, watching the programing that I knew was not approved, I nonetheless several times a month committed my devious acts of visual malice. I was never caught ingesting the after-hours programming, but that is of little significance. It was the act of disobedience that made the events so delicious to me.

Looking back on these evenings has made me realize that if I had never crept to the box in the family room when all of my house rested, I would not be the person I am today. I would not be the entertainment nerd that I am who obsessively can converse on many a topic. I would not have the wide range of interests that varies from the fanciful to the macabre. I would not be the free-thinker that is willing to look past the status quo to find my place in society.

Is it simplistic to have been most highly impacted by late-night television consumption? Naturally. But I wouldn't trade one minute of my late nights in front of the flickering box.