What If..?

I am cursed to wallow in the "What If..?"

I spend a vast amount of time every day asking "What If..?" questions. Usually this is accompanied by elaborate daydream scenarios.

Par example:

What if Max decides that my Crazy is too hard to deal with? What if he kicks me out of the house and I'm left in the middle of the desert alone? What if my family won't help me get home and I wind up being like the creepy homeless ladies around here who dumpster dive to find things to sell? What if I'm alone, jobless, homeless, and most likely with horrible teeth cause I have such a bad mouth?

And let's not forget the random "What If..?"'s that just make me seem crazy. What if I have AIDS and don't know it? What if I loose a leg tomorrow? What if I wake up paralyzed in the morning cause a cockroach decided to crawl into my ear and somehow got past the inner workings of the ear and started messing with my motor functions?

Fun no? And people wonder why I constantly am paranoid. It's cause I convince myself thoroughly that I am not good enough to get anything real and good in my life.

I have the perfect guy for me in my life. He's witty, charming, childish in the most wonderful way, mature, brilliantly smart, and handsome as the day is long. He cares about me greatly and asked me to move across the country with him just so we can stay together. But can I just enjoy it? Can I lay back and understand that this is me finally getting what I deserve as a person who tries to do their best for others but rarely gets the same treatment?

Nope. Cause what if I get too comfortable and don't notice us drifting apart? What if he decides that he doesn't want someone who's seemingly happy with their life going toward mediocre, even if the reality would be precisely the opposite? What if he realizes that he will most likely be able to find someone better? And prettier? And not crazy?

Naturally I know that this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's resulted in my life not being what I thought it would be at 24. I logically know that this is a bullshit way to exist.

But...how to turn it off?

I know that I'm living in the "What If..?" and because of that I'm missing my present. I'm missing the enjoyable time of creating a new life with a man I love. Hell, I'm missing out on being young and carefree. I'm missing out on being the fun-loving, happy girl I know I am on some level.

All because the "What If..?" is rotting the core of what makes me fabulous.

So...how to stop. And I mean really stop? That's what I need to answer.